"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize