In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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