just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Watching her eat just hurts me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
