So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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