I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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