This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
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