i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I love having hate sex.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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