HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
