I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
