my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
