I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
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