My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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