so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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