we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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