I think my fart just growled at me.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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