It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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