I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
