I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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