i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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