Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I looked at my own cervix.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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