Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
