My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
