Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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