theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
