I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
