We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
