Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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