After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
