Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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