Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
