I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
