i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
