Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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