Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He shit in the fireplace
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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