We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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