Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
