The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
