Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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