I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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