You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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