i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
