You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
