How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
The Olympian is in my bed
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
