Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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