"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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