i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
