flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
