I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
