I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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