I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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