Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
