its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
