do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
