does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
