Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
