Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
