I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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